Bippity-Boppity-Boo

prorevenge:

This may not quite be a revenge story as there was no sole perpetrator whom was targeted. Rather that I simply got tired of being awoken at 6:00am. Either way, I couldn’t find an appropriate sub to put this in, so here we are.

During my college years, I lived in a small town that had two main landmarks: the university I attended, and a Latter Day Saints training camp/church.

The town’s residents consisted entirely of College Frat boys, Retirees, and LDS. For the most part, It’s a very nice town to live in, I wouldn’t hesitate one moment to move back, but there were a few small things that bugged me.

The most notable of these was that my condo was only a block away from the LDS church, which meant that roughly twice a week, my doorbell would go off at about 6am. Now I am not a racist or religionist, however I am a sleepist - anybody who wakes me up unnecessarily is bound to find that out very quickly.

Sadly, this chain continued through my first semester of college. Being that I was working a full-time job while attending full-time college, I had very little time to spare. Getting more than 4 hours of sleep in a night was my version of sleeping in.

So you can understand that the doorbells at 6am quickly became an unacceptable nuscience. It was time to put a stop to this nonsense.

At first I posted signs. Nobody read them.

I disabled the doorbell. They knocked.

I put up two signs. They still ignored them.

I photoshopped satanist paraphanalia and pasted it up on the windows at the front of the house. That only fueld them more to “show us the light”

I parked my car to block the pathway to the house. They climbed over the bushes.

I called and filed complaints with the church. My words were ignored.

Finally, I’d had enough. I pulled my roommate into a meeting and we plotted. We plotted real hard.

Tuesday morning, we were prepared, and like clockwork, only a few minutes after 6am, there was a knock on the door.

I opened the door shirtless. I had blood all over me, and was carrying a knife and the leg of a Boar that my roomate had recently shot on a hunting trip. The LDS boys were shocked, but were determined to talk to us, so I invited them in. They walked into our living room, We had our satanist paraphernalia plastered to the walls, and even had a fake human skull hanging from the ceiling fan. On the television, we were playing a hard-core porno with the speakers turned up quite loudly.

The boy’s sat, and I offered them some glasses of vodka. They declined. I took two shots.

• Viper: So what I can I do for you two?
• LDS: We are here to talk to you about Jesus
• Viper: Who?
• LDS: Our savior Jesus.
• Viper: I’m not good at Spanish, but i think you are pronouncing it wrong.
• LDS: Jesus, the son of god!
• Viper: Oh! I see. Hold on, let me get my husband, hes fascinated about this kind of thing.

Important note: I am a straight male.

I stand up and walk down the hall to the bathroom, where my roomate is currently hiding.

• Viper: Dear! The boys want to talk to you
• Roomate: Right now?
• Viper: Yeah, they want to talk about Jeezes
• Roomate: Cant I finish?
• Viper: I dont want them to be waiting.
• Roomate: Fine…

The bathroom door opens, and my roomate steps out. He is completely nude, except for shaving cream covering one-half of his nether-regions. The effect was that he was half-way through.

He steps out into the living room, and with a voice that would make Richard Simmons seem straight says:

• Roomate: Oh Haiiiiiiiii

The look of shock on the boy’s faces was priceless.

• LDS: Um, we can come back if you guys are…

• Roomate: Nonsense! Tell me about this cheesus

• LDS: Uh.. okay…

Roughly an hour went by, my nude roomate interrogating the boys as I continued to slaughter/clean a Boar on the kitchen table while intently watching the boys make nevous glances at the skull, porno, and the door.

Finally, we let them go and cleaned ourselves up. We had to steam-clean the floor later to get the blood-stains out, but it was totally worth it.

We had 2 whole years of uninterrupted sleep.

(via you-do-you-boo-boo-deactivated2)

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mixedy:

my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.

#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE

I’m an adult.

Some shit about life, from a bonafide adult:

• even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out 
• generic is almost always just as good as name brand. But there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies
• just imagine the person on the other end of the phone hates talking on the phone as much as you do. Even a receptionist. I worked as one and I hate talking on the phone
• at least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart to buy something under $20 like an ironing board or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had $2.98 in their bank account. 
• thrift stores
• everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you
• you will screw up. a lot. you live and you learn. and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it, just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.
• do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem
• you can’t put Dawn dishsoap in the dishwasher. 
• if you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.
• never try to make cake from scratch at 3am. You end up with a topographical map of Middle Earth.
• 15% tip. 
• the best way to get money for food is to tell your grandparents about how you basically live on microwaved mac and cheese. Their horror may result in twenty bucks and orders to go out and get yourself “a real dinner”.
• sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness. 
• no seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher

• 

Do not buy generic brand spaghetti sauce either.

Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

Dollar store batteries work just as well as store brand.

• Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something you don’t get often. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.
  
• Rice, pasta, flour, sugar, cheese, eggs, milk, a pack of chicken, a pack of frozen veggies and a well stocked spice cabinet go a long way food-wise. Splurge and get the biggest container of rice you can. You don’t have to go back and buy it again anytime soon and it makes a TON of meals in the meantime.
• Rice can be cooked on the stove. You don’t need a fancy rice cooker. Two parts water to every one part rice (two cups water for one cup of rice for example). Get your water boiling, add rice, put a plate or lid on it, put it on low for 20 minutes. It should be done.
• Keep a calendar on your pc of bill due dates. If your bills are set up at inconvenient times, like all of the services started on the first or something, then call up the company and find out if you can get your billing date switched to something more manageable. A lot of places do try to work with you.
• There is no shame in calling a company and asking for an extension on a bill. Let them know what you can pay, pay that amount, and they arrange when the rest of the payment is required. This can stop you from having services shut off man. It shows responsibility on your part.
• Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.
• Wash or rinse your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It prevents gross caked on junk.
• “The Works” is an excellent cheap toilet cleaner.
• MAGIC. FUCKING. ERASERS. THEY WORK ON EVERYTHING JUST DON’T SCRUB HARD. I took the ring out of our bathtub with one. Also generic ones work just as well.

• Keep some bleach around but if you use it for cleaning? Dillute it. There’s rarely ever a case where you need to pout straight bleach on anything. A cap full or two in a bucket of water works just fine.
  
• DO NOT MIX CLEANERS. Chemical reactions are can be very dangerous. Here’s a good list. (Note that vinegar and baking soda can actually be a good combo for removing smells from things but it’s not very good at actually -cleaning-.)
  
• If you drink? Don’t take meds at the same time it’s just not good.
• Make sure you check the dosages on your pill bottles. No one wants to accidentally overdose on cough syrup or ibuprofen.
• If you have a uterus make sure you have a heating pad and ibuprofen on hand for the pain. Hot baths also generally help and Ginger Tea is excellent for any nausea.
• Buy a first aid kit. It’s worth it in the long run.
• You can often do your taxes online at places like TurboTax.
• Here’s some good sex ed resources because I had to explain what a yeast infection was recently. 
• Petroleum jelly (aka Vaseline) is good for chapped lips and you can get a decent sized tube or tub of it (generic brand version) for cheaper/same price as Chapstick.
• KEEP TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT IN YOUR HOUSE FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES AND SORES. 

~~Medications~~

Over the counter medications (stuff you can buy right off the shelf no prescription needed) have a name brand and a generic name. ALWAYS buy generic if it’s available it is literally the same thing and way cheaper usually.

Some names to remember when you’re looking for meds!

Acetaminophen = Tylenol

Used to treat pain and reduce fever. Do not take with Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen = Advil, Midol, Motrin

Used for pain and fever, is an anti-inflammtory. Is good for period cramps because it is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug).

Naproxen = Aleve, Naprosyn

Treats fever, pain, arthritis pain, gout, period cramps, tendinitis, headache, backache, and toothache. Is also an NSAID.

Acetaminophen + Asprin + Caffeine = Excedrin

Usually marketed as “Migraine Relief” as a generic.

Asprin = Bayer

Use for pain, fever, arthritis, and inflammation. Makes you bleed easily so should not be used for periods. Might reduce risk of heart attacks.\

Triple Antibiotic Ointment = Neosporin

Used on cuts, sores, and scrapes to reduce risk of infection and promote healing.

Also a general mutli-vitamin isn’t a bad idea and if you don’t get a lot of fruits or milk/sunshine in your diet you might want to get vitamins C and D specifically for daily use.

if you do accidentally lapse and put dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. that’ll clean it out (tip given to me by dorm custodian when roommate did the thing).

if you live off ramen, add stuff to it! add veggies you like, don’t use the whole flavor packet to cut down on sodium and msg or don’t use it at all and add your own spices.

if you’re making something with potatoes in it (beans, stew) potatoes are done when you can easily stab a fork through them.

you can microwave a hotdog as long as you put it in a microwave safe container of water. microwaves work by making water molecules vibrate. also, when reheating rice leftovers, add a small amount of water, like maybe a spoonfull, so it doesn’t get hard and crunchy.

the rice cooking advice above is for long grain rice. if you’re making short or medium grain rice, a 1:1 ratio (one cup water for one cup rice) is better, so the rice doesn’t come out too mushy.

buy a few cans of chicken. wholesale club stores like sam’s, costco, or bj’s tend to carry multipacks for a good price. they’re incredibly useful for when you forget to defrost meat.

buy meat on sale and put it in the freezer. buy vegetables on sale, and put them in the freezer. frozen veggies are often as flavorful and good as fresh ones, keep longer, and often come in microwaveable bags or with microwave directions.

soak ink stains in milk to help get them out or at least lighten them.

soak blood stains in water as soon as possible, with a bit of detergent or stain remover. scrub at them. use cold water, heat binds proteins to fabric. tbh, there’s no real need to change the washer from cold-cold setting unless the thing you’re washing says to wash in warm water.

acetone, found in most nail polish removers, dissolves super glue.

YOU’RE ALL DOING GOD’S WORK BLESS YOU

Takes pictures, have prints made and put them in photo albums. Be IN the pictures, have someone take pictures of you and your friends. Get over not looking perfect in thw picture. Someday that friend might be gone and those pictures might be all you’ll have, you will want to be in them. I made that mistake with my best friend, i always felt weird asking for a picture together… he died of cancer January of 2014 and now i have no pictures of us together. Its my only regret in life.

This is really helpful, thank you all!

I’m the newest of new adults but I’m gonna throw these little tips in there. IF YOU HAVE AN OLD CAR: 

-coolant or water if your car overheats (coolant is preferable cause it won’t hurt the engine in the long run but hey i know money is tight) 

-flashlight in case you break down at night and need to check under the hood and your phone is dead

-SPARE TIRE. 

-jumper cables.you will at some point leave your lights on. you just will. 

AAA or any other road side service is never a bad investment i swear. (try to mooch it off your parents as long as you can though) 

Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

Don’t be afraid to go to your local food bank. They are there for a reason.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help period. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

You can put a LOWER wattage bulb in a lamp that says it’s for a higher one, but don’t put a HIGHER wattage bulb in. Also, watts refer to the amount of electricity used. LUMENS refers to the amount of light put out, and can vary quite a bit between brands, even though the wattage is the same. Look for the one with the highest lumens unless you actually want a slightly dimmer bulb in a certain location.

Those dollar store batteries? Fine if they’re alkaline. “Heavy-duty” batteries, however, won’t last nearly as long.

You can microwave a hot dog and bun simply by wrapping them in a toweling for a minute, less if you don’t want them scalding hot.

Reblogging to save lives.

Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little packets are hella stupid priced)
1 cup warm water (think a hot bath)
1 ½ teaspoons sugar
2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part)
2 ¼ cups flour
1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. Here’s how to knead it: 

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes. 

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

*ahem* That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway)

Being able to bake your own bread is pretty awesome, if you got the time for it. 

This is super helpful. I thank you all. And I shall put my knowledge here in hopes that it helps!

It’s super easy to get overwhelmed. Especially when you’re just starting out. Getting a job, an apartment, student loans, a nagging and pain in the ass family. Just take a deep breath and focus on one thing at a time. Don’t try to rush into it. One thing at a time. Start with maybe a summer job/part time job in high school and while in college and start saving. It’ll be nice to have that money for food and rent when you get out into the real world.

(via asian)